From Peruvian guinea pig farmers to xylophone lessons for prisoners - the crackpot causes they've wasted your money on.

Byline: EDWARD HEATHCOAT AMORY

IN THE ten years since it was set up, the National Lottery has distributed nearly [pounds sterling]17 billion to 180,000 so-called good causes around Britain. Here, EDWARD HEATHCOAT AMORY offers a guide to the highs and lows of Lottery Britain.

COMMUNITY FUND

(now part of the Big Lottery Fund, see below)

Amount distributed: [pounds sterling]2.8 billion Most ridiculous handout: [pounds sterling]340,000 for the National Coalition of Anti-Deportation Campaigns, a body that helped terrorists and Islamic extremists, and described the then Home Secretary David Blunkett as 'colluding with terrorism'.

Most politically correct donation: [pounds sterling]7,500 to support the Northern Ireland Filipino Community and its touring dance troupe.

Silliest overseas handout: [pounds sterling]420,000 to the Cusichaca Trust to help fund its bid to breed giant edible guinea pigs in Peru.

Final insult to the public: Lady Brittan, who presided over this appalling fund, was made a dame by a grateful government when she retired.

Best project turned down: [pounds sterling]200,000 for a new boat for Britain's only independent lifeboat crew, who have saved 158 lives over the years, refused because they do not help the 'disadvantaged'.

MILLENNIUM COMMISSION

Amount distributed: [pounds sterling]2.33 billion Biggest mistake: The Dome, which Tony Blair said would be a triumph of 'confidence over cynicism', but with only half of the predicted 12million visitors turning up, the Dome cost the Commission [pounds sterling]600 million.

Most complete failure: The Earth Centre in Doncaster, 'the United Kingdom's first landmark millennium attraction', costing [pounds sterling]36million of Lottery cash, which closed last year after attracting only 20 per cent of its estimated visitor numbers.

Least popular attraction: The National Faith Centre in Bradford, which cost [pounds sterling]2.3million and closed after less than a year. It received only 62 visitors in its first week.

Worst continuing disaster: The recreated Roman spa in Bath, which has cost the Millennium Commission [pounds sterling]8 million so far, hasn't opened yet, is three times over budget and, when last heard of, had run out of water.

Biggest surprise: Even the Millennium Commission had one success, the Eden Project in Cornwall, where tropical plants grow within giant domes.

ARTS

Amount distributed: [pounds sterling]2.76 billion Rudest assessment: The National Audit Office looked at the 15 largest projects given money by the Arts Council: two had gone broke, five more were experiencing severe financial difficulties, 13 were over budget, and four had been finished more than a year late.

Worst white elephant: The National Centre for Popular Music in Sheffield, which received [pounds sterling]11 million in Lottery money, was predicted to have 400,000 visitors a year, but managed only 80,000 and went broke.

Cultural lowpoints: A [pounds sterling]20,000 grant to teach prisoners how to use Indonesian gongs and xylophones, [pounds sterling]30,000 for a civil servant to promote cultural diversity in Plymouth, and another [pounds sterling]30,000 for an arts festival for homeless people.

Poorest investment: Encouraged by the Government, the Film Council put [pounds sterling]100 million of Lottery money into 11 British movies.

Ten of them were financial failures, one was a thriller about a paedophile and another was described as 'bad almost beyond belief'.

HERITAGE

Amount distributed: [pounds sterling]2.96 billion Most elitist grant: [pounds sterling]78 million for rebuilding and refurbishing the Royal Opera House, where the best tickets cost [pounds sterling]150 each.

Heritage lowpoints: [pounds sterling]39,000 for a gay heritage trail in Manchester, [pounds sterling]25,000 in Peterborough to tell young travellers more about their history and [pounds sterling]1million to a pottery museum in Stoke-on-Trent to tell the history of the lavatory.

Most expensive painting: A grant of [pounds sterling]11.5 million to help the National Gallery buy Raphael's Madonna Of The Pinks (total cost [pounds sterling]22 million) from the Duke of Northumberland, despite questions about its authenticity.

Most grasping beneficiary: Sir Winston Churchill MP, who sold his grandfather's papers to the nation for [pounds sterling]13 million in Lottery money, when most observers believed that the state owned the papers anyway.

SPORT

Amount distributed: [pounds sterling]2.82 billion Most expensive grants: Each of our 30 athletics medals at the 2004 Athens Olympics cost an average of [pounds sterling]2.85 million in Lottery grants.

Biggest risk taken: An early commitment of [pounds sterling]120million to the financing of the new Wembley Stadium, which was nearly a disaster. If it hadn't gone ahead, the Lottery would have lost all of its investment.

Biggest failure: Since the Lottery started, the percentage of Britons taking part in sport has not increased at all.

Worst impending disaster: A [pounds sterling]1.5 billion commitment to set up a new fund to help pay for London to host the 2012 Olympics, and even worse, a blank cheque promise to pay half of any cost overruns.

Biggest white elephant: Clissold Leisure Centre in Hackney, which received [pounds sterling]10million in Lottery money, opened three years late and, after just two years, had to be shut down because of major design defects.

NEW OPPORTUNITIES FUND (now part of the Big Lottery Fund, see below) Amount distributed: [pounds sterling]2.67 billion Most bizarre grant: [pounds sterling]3.8 million to fund aromatherapy and massage sessions, tai chi lessons and interior design classes for drug addicts in Scotland.

Worst educational investment: [pounds sterling]25 million to send problem teenagers on day trips to seaside resorts and leisure attractions such as Alton Towers.

Most cynical replacement of public spending: [pounds sterling]6million to pay for defibrillators (for heart attack victims) for ambulance services.

BIG LOTTERY FUND

(new in 2004, including the Community Fund and New Opportunities Fund)

Amount distributed: Has access to around [pounds sterling]600million a year.

Silliest government-sponsored idea: Providing [pounds sterling]45 million for a School Foods Trust to 'give independent support and advice to schools and parents' when the money would be far better spent on quality ingredients.

Most deserving cause turned down: [pounds sterling]300,000 for a building to house 120 volunteers for the Samaritans in Sheffield, refused because it failed to do enough to meet the needs of 'target groups'.

Most wasteful grant: [pounds sterling]360,000 for the UK Network of Sex Work Projects, a group that campaigns to legalise prostitution and brothels.

Most politically correct handout: [pounds sterling]428,498 for Student Action for Refugees, an organisation that runs lobby groups in universities, encouraging students to write to MPs and ministers in support of asylum seekers.

Biggest gimmick: Promising the public a say over how the good causes money is distributed, and then doing so through a tawdry TV programme that gives them control of only 1.3 per cent of the good causes money, leaving unelected quangocrats to hand out the rest.

From Peruvian guinea pig farmers to xylophone lessons for prisoners - the crackpot causes they've wasted your money on.

Byline: EDWARD HEATHCOAT AMORY

IN THE ten years since it was set up, the National Lottery has distributed nearly [pounds sterling]17 billion to 180,000 so-called good causes around Britain. Here, EDWARD HEATHCOAT AMORY offers a guide to the highs and lows of Lottery Britain.

COMMUNITY FUND

(now part of the Big Lottery Fund, see below)

Amount distributed: [pounds sterling]2.8 billion Most ridiculous handout: [pounds sterling]340,000 for the National Coalition of Anti-Deportation Campaigns, a body that helped terrorists and Islamic extremists, and described the then Home Secretary David Blunkett as 'colluding with terrorism'.

Most politically correct donation: [pounds sterling]7,500 to support the Northern Ireland Filipino Community and its touring dance troupe.

Silliest overseas handout: [pounds sterling]420,000 to the Cusichaca Trust to help fund its bid to breed giant edible guinea pigs in Peru.

Final insult to the public: Lady Brittan, who presided over this appalling fund, was made a dame by a grateful government when she retired.

Best project turned down: [pounds sterling]200,000 for a new boat for Britain's only independent lifeboat crew, who have saved 158 lives over the years, refused because they do not help the 'disadvantaged'.

MILLENNIUM COMMISSION

Amount distributed: [pounds sterling]2.33 billion Biggest mistake: The Dome, which Tony Blair said would be a triumph of 'confidence over cynicism', but with only half of the predicted 12million visitors turning up, the Dome cost the Commission [pounds sterling]600 million.

Most complete failure: The Earth Centre in Doncaster, 'the United Kingdom's first landmark millennium attraction', costing [pounds sterling]36million of Lottery cash, which closed last year after attracting only 20 per cent of its estimated visitor numbers.

Least popular attraction: The National Faith Centre in Bradford, which cost [pounds sterling]2.3million and closed after less than a year. It received only 62 visitors in its first week.

Worst continuing disaster: The recreated Roman spa in Bath, which has cost the Millennium Commission [pounds sterling]8 million so far, hasn't opened yet, is three times over budget and, when last heard of, had run out of water.

Biggest surprise: Even the Millennium Commission had one success, the Eden Project in Cornwall, where tropical plants grow within giant domes.

ARTS

Amount distributed: [pounds sterling]2.76 billion Rudest assessment: The National Audit Office looked at the 15 largest projects given money by the Arts Council: two had gone broke, five more were experiencing severe financial difficulties, 13 were over budget, and four had been finished more than a year late.

Worst white elephant: The National Centre for Popular Music in Sheffield, which received [pounds sterling]11 million in Lottery money, was predicted to have 400,000 visitors a year, but managed only 80,000 and went broke.

Cultural lowpoints: A [pounds sterling]20,000 grant to teach prisoners how to use Indonesian gongs and xylophones, [pounds sterling]30,000 for a civil servant to promote cultural diversity in Plymouth, and another [pounds sterling]30,000 for an arts festival for homeless people.

Poorest investment: Encouraged by the Government, the Film Council put [pounds sterling]100 million of Lottery money into 11 British movies.

Ten of them were financial failures, one was a thriller about a paedophile and another was described as 'bad almost beyond belief'.

HERITAGE

Amount distributed: [pounds sterling]2.96 billion Most elitist grant: [pounds sterling]78 million for rebuilding and refurbishing the Royal Opera House, where the best tickets cost [pounds sterling]150 each.

Heritage lowpoints: [pounds sterling]39,000 for a gay heritage trail in Manchester, [pounds sterling]25,000 in Peterborough to tell young travellers more about their history and [pounds sterling]1million to a pottery museum in Stoke-on-Trent to tell the history of the lavatory.

Most expensive painting: A grant of [pounds sterling]11.5 million to help the National Gallery buy Raphael's Madonna Of The Pinks (total cost [pounds sterling]22 million) from the Duke of Northumberland, despite questions about its authenticity.

Most grasping beneficiary: Sir Winston Churchill MP, who sold his grandfather's papers to the nation for [pounds sterling]13 million in Lottery money, when most observers believed that the state owned the papers anyway.

SPORT

Amount distributed: [pounds sterling]2.82 billion Most expensive grants: Each of our 30 athletics medals at the 2004 Athens Olympics cost an average of [pounds sterling]2.85 million in Lottery grants.

Biggest risk taken: An early commitment of [pounds sterling]120million to the financing of the new Wembley Stadium, which was nearly a disaster. If it hadn't gone ahead, the Lottery would have lost all of its investment.

Biggest failure: Since the Lottery started, the percentage of Britons taking part in sport has not increased at all.

Worst impending disaster: A [pounds sterling]1.5 billion commitment to set up a new fund to help pay for London to host the 2012 Olympics, and even worse, a blank cheque promise to pay half of any cost overruns.

Biggest white elephant: Clissold Leisure Centre in Hackney, which received [pounds sterling]10million in Lottery money, opened three years late and, after just two years, had to be shut down because of major design defects.

NEW OPPORTUNITIES FUND (now part of the Big Lottery Fund, see below) Amount distributed: [pounds sterling]2.67 billion Most bizarre grant: [pounds sterling]3.8 million to fund aromatherapy and massage sessions, tai chi lessons and interior design classes for drug addicts in Scotland.

Worst educational investment: [pounds sterling]25 million to send problem teenagers on day trips to seaside resorts and leisure attractions such as Alton Towers.

Most cynical replacement of public spending: [pounds sterling]6million to pay for defibrillators (for heart attack victims) for ambulance services.

BIG LOTTERY FUND

(new in 2004, including the Community Fund and New Opportunities Fund)

Amount distributed: Has access to around [pounds sterling]600million a year.

Silliest government-sponsored idea: Providing [pounds sterling]45 million for a School Foods Trust to 'give independent support and advice to schools and parents' when the money would be far better spent on quality ingredients.

Most deserving cause turned down: [pounds sterling]300,000 for a building to house 120 volunteers for the Samaritans in Sheffield, refused because it failed to do enough to meet the needs of 'target groups'.

Most wasteful grant: [pounds sterling]360,000 for the UK Network of Sex Work Projects, a group that campaigns to legalise prostitution and brothels.

Most politically correct handout: [pounds sterling]428,498 for Student Action for Refugees, an organisation that runs lobby groups in universities, encouraging students to write to MPs and ministers in support of asylum seekers.

Biggest gimmick: Promising the public a say over how the good causes money is distributed, and then doing so through a tawdry TV programme that gives them control of only 1.3 per cent of the good causes money, leaving unelected quangocrats to hand out the rest.